Top 5 Disappointments and Surprises While Watching Porn

5. Andrew Blake: One of the biggest disappointments a man can have is when his sweetheart says she wants to watch porn with him and he gets to spend an hour watching the soft and dreamy dreck of Andrew Blake. Sure the production is top-rate but blonde wigs, silicone tits, a Yanni-esque soundtrack, and over-manicured pussy do not make for a titillating porn experience in my world.  

4. Men wearing disguises / Butt pimples: Which is worse, porn stars who look like they’re robbing a bank with a hard-on or video directors too cheap to buy body makeup to cover ass acne? Total toss up here.

3. Goes gay without warning: I once rented a video that promised to be an “orgy for the eyes.” On the box it promised gangbangs, BBW, mature, lesbian action, and anal. Cool, right? Not when one of the dudes in the gangbang scene penetrated the other without so much as a handshake or hug. Judging by the ease with which they accomplished the act, I'd say they'd done it before.

2. Shemales:  I admit it. I actually own shemale porn. Please, let me explain. Once upon a time when I was a young lad there was a Hispanic goddess with unimaginable hold over my erotic imagination. Her name was Vanessa Del Rio. She had hips, tits, and lips like no other woman in the mainstream genre. She did her job with the enthusiasm that I thought all women had for sex. And then came my viewing of “Viva Vanessa,” a straightforward but fictional tale of her rise to the top of the porn game. After several really well produced scenes of Vanessa’s erotic powers we get the blonde and lithe Angelique Richard as a sex partner. It starts out as a lesbian seduction, but when Vanessa explains she doesn’t swing that way (yeah, right) Angelique whips out what might qualify as either a penis fit for a Lilliputian or an enormous clit with a ball sac. Groady and unexpected in the extreme.

1. Ron Jeremy: Quite possibly the least attractive man in the game and we’re supposed to pretend he’s a rock star.  I know I know, Ron is supposed to represent the common man. But does the common man look like a sleezy Mario Brother?  Look at those jaded eyes, that slack jaw, his rarely working cock, and that mountain of furry burrito he calls a belly and you’ll know why “The Hedgehog” is my number one reason for turning off porn.

And to think he slept with Vanessa Del  Rio...

Comments

[scribe called steff]

Great list. Heh heh. And ditto on Ron Jeremy.

Did you hear about the cellphone co he started last year? Downloading orgasms and cellphone wallpaper.... Ay yi yi. I'll never understand the Ron Jeremy thing. Never, ever. Common man my ass.

And that MOUSTACH. UGH.

[Longwaydown]

First thanks for the wink in my comments section (Blame,etc.). My biggest porn dissapointment? Finding out that most women don't enjoy the totally unannounced "shot" to the face,all over their chest, in their hair, etc. I had been lied to by all that porn I watched as a teen. And where were those two catholic schoolgirls with the broken shower that were supposed to live above me in my first apartment?

[Shay]

Ugh!
All very valid points!
But you forgot to mention the obviously faked moaning in some films - sometimes it's so bad that I can't even pretend that I think it's real!

[alwaysarousedgirl]

My biggest disappointment is that the girls rarely seem like they are having any fun at all. I want to see real orgams, real pleasure...instead I see...nothing.

[Avatar]

Awesome list. My biggest disappointment by far when watching porn is that nasty "hork!-ptooey!" spitting that seems to be EVERYWERE now.

[Al Nevertell]

Found plagiarized at Adult Friend Finder:

http://adultfriendfinder.com/blog/56137/post_270480.html?highid=50285270_29914

FYI.

[suburban sexpot]

thanks for the heads-up AL... i don't mind her spreading the love, but a linkback would have been nice. stealing ain't sexay.